i like car seat headrest, smoking, sushi,politics, red wine and sex. i plan on using this as a digital diary for myself as a record of my life at the time and a theraputic sort of place to put my troubles and life.
april 20th,2025
today i drove from gilbert to flagstaff which took around 2 and a half hours. today is also easter, i didnt have anyone to celebrate since mom and dad moved last month. so now im just watching a youtube video and hitting the cart in my dorm room. i thought Will was gonna come over since he texted me asking when i get back but i suppose hes not gonna see me as its 7:11pm. im kinda bored but im also sleepy so... tomorrow im going and getting tested for clamyidia so thats awesome fingers crossed everything will be ok. i need to repaint my toe nails i think. well ill probably shower, paint my nails, and get comfy idk lol. im feeling better about the grotto thing. i was going great and then i wasnt but now and these past few days have been ok with all that i suppose. not sure what else to say. xoxo mwah.
april 21st, 2025
today started out good and ended horribly. well horribly is an overreaction i think. i woke up before my alarm and almost immediately scheduled my std testing appointment. it was weird i walked over there and answered 2 question from the receptionist. i lied during the questions and it ended up fucking me over (who would of thought lol). so it created a problem where they said they werent gonna test me but i explained the situation and then they said the appointment fee was gonna be waived and gave me a coupon? they didnt even end up testing me and just prescribed me the antibiotics anyways. so idk if i have it or not but ig im still gonna take this medicine lol. told Will about it and everything was chill with him at first but then things got weird. im sure our relationship will end soon enough. he seems to be over me. that was the turning point in my day. i was also watching weird youtube videos and that put me in a weird mood. then paige said something rude to me and it all is just too much for me. i need to start taking my meds again. i dont feel well. not suicidal but an unrecognizable emptiness and i dont feel like myself anymore. which is all amplified by my lack of connection to others, someone to call my best friend or lover. i worry im the person others meet before they find their true love or their true best friend. not even gonna be remembered as the one that got away. i am constantly overwhelmed by anxiety. my heart and mind has been racing a million miles a minute. a second. what to do what to do... (take my meds thats what to do). i want to make more friends. idk how im so nervous, maybe i should make more online friends. recently ive been considering the fact that everyone i know has called me weird. lovers, friends, family. its starting to scare me and worry me. i used to be proud of it but as i grow up it starts to feel like a bad word. enough of that. today i also redyed my hair to this turquise color, ive been getting compliments on it so thats good. repainted my nails despite my hands being throughly dyed. wrote a 3 essay page essay in like 2 hours so thats cool. went to a dorm meeting. the CA looked inside my room, hes kinda strange i think he forgets we are the same age, i would still fuck though. hoping tomorrow will be a better day but it probably wont. i dont know how to make this site look better, i want to be proud of it but it looks horrible, the framing and the everything. i dont think i have anything else to say. xoxo mwah.
me at the doctor for testing.
april 22nd, 2025
im at a loss. how is it possible that things are getting worse. ive been nauseus for over 24 hours now due to the chlamdyia meds. today was another day of everything starting out good, aside form the sickness and pain. i went over to Will's to help him with something. he made me soup which was nice and we listened to music and laughed and i had a nice time. i went back home and ate more soup since he gave me some to take home. i cant keep anything down since i dont feel good. but the day was going fine. then he texted me telling me he was "enamored" with this new girl. my heart sank. i dont want to date him or love him but that fact that im not his desire is all it takes to set me off. he doesnt respect me. he never has. and im so sick and tired of it. i cant take it anymore. im not texting him unless he texts me first. things used to be good. i hate change. and this change came at the worst time when everything went to shit. i didnt something horrible but i dont think i feel regret. just anxiety and fear. i emailed grotto. idk what the point was. i think the email was good but i feel as though they wont respond as much as i want them too. i just want to be friends again at least. i have no one and no has me. non exsistence coes creeping in. this life isnt mine. at the same time i know everything im going through isnt serious and will all pass but im not emotional, mentally, and intellucating inteligent enough to feel that. im a fool. i always have been and i always will be. god my stomach hurts. i just wants friends i just want a best friend atleast if i cant have a lover. my life feels so meaningless if no one craves me. and it sucks because i crave everyone ive ever met. the dye on my hands is fading. i cant keep doing this. xoxo mwah.
april 24, 2025
i didnt update yesterday because too high and couldnt be bothered. but big stuff happened yesterday. i texted grotto. i dont know whats wrong with me i was doing so good in regards to not thinking about them. but then as soon as i stopped getting attention from Will, mind traveled back to the one that really loved me. well at least i hope i was loved. at the end of it all i dont know anymore. ive gone through so much since the break up. horrible horrible things that i dont even want to write down because somehow im embarrassed. i feel so weak. i would never let a man do that to me. let alone multiple men. ive lost myself and i cant get me back. im only me when im loved. no love means no me. because when im not me all i think about it being loved again. adored by anyone. but there is no one. its disgusting and evil and cruel. if they texted me and told me they want to get back together or even just be friends. i would say yes in an instant. how fucked is that. in a room of everyone ive ever met and loved i would still run to you. and i hate myself for that. i put a band aid on a bloody gash that was killing me and now someone ripped the band aid off and im back to where i was. grotto agreed to talk to me. it was confusing and weird. well maybe not weird but uncomfortable i guess is the better word. i felt like i was forcing them to talk to me. and yet they responded fast and kept the conversation going. i think they tried to keep themself reserved and not opening up to much. for both our sakes they probably believe. but not for my sake. thats not what i want. i told grotto everything. im humilated and im sure it was so hurtful. i feel like a horrible person. i wish i can keep my mouth shut for once in my life. i know that will never happen. i know we will never happen again. but in my dreams and in my prayers i pray and manifest for a future with you. one where youre happy and ill be happy too and we can still sit on our porch smoking and drinking iced tea. i just wanna be loved again. im so unconfortable in the exsistence ive built myself. i have no choice but to be ok. i hope one day it will actually be ok. xoxo mwah.
april 25, 2025
sigh. a little tipsy but not too bad. doesnt help my headache though. i went to a tarot reader today with mandi it was fun and cool. she told me i need to grow and change. i need to let go of my childhood and my past troubles. but how do i do that when its who i am. all of my pain is what forms the personality i hate so much but is through and through me. she told my stuggles that lie ahead will be hard and difficult but not as much as my past. what kinda advice is that lol. my past AND my future suck ig. oh well. i need to heal apparently and i cant do it by myself. but there is no one around me i would feel vulnerable enough to talk to. so im stuck. i could try to heal and find myself alone but she said not too. idk whatever. but i also ate a yummy lunch today so that was reallyyyyy good :3. and then i went spray painting with conner. he showed me this cool ass spot and it was a long hike but totally worth it lol. i got to do my own designs and words! hes cool and dresses good but hes kinda boring and doesnt have my sense of humor. hes also not really my type. but hes nice to have around when i need companionship i suppose. and i think its the same for him. but i still miss grotto. i hate myself so much for it. they seem to be doing great and not thinking about me and im the opposite on both fronts. i just wanna be friends i need someone in my life who understands me. im sure theyve moved on. i know i will eventually, i mean i did for like 3 months but im trapped again i feel suffocated by own mind. i cant even cry anymore. nothing is how it should be and im dissapointed and disgusted with myself entirely. i miss my life. the one im living isnt mine anymore. i sound so pathetic. kimochi warui . i feel crazy and im taking my meds again so i feel more regulated which is good. but im so alone i have so much time to think and question. ive recently had the fear that maybe grotto didnt love me. i feel unlovable. maybe they just knew they couldnt leave me. i was too much and i still am. i wish to be nothing. i dont want to kill myself but i want to be nothing i dont want my existence anymore. my past present and future are all stacked against me and i cant do anything ever. god im so annoying im gonna stop now. xoxo mwah.
april 30, 2025
its been some time. well only 5 days. let me think about the things that have happened. well ive been feeling better these past 2 days. im assuming its because im actually taking my medicine lol. me and Will are all cool again ive seen like 3 days in a row. he means alot to me, romantic or not i care for him. even though he pisses me the fuck off and i hate him for everything hes done to me. the mental and physical abuse and yet i will always wanna see him. i think that just goes to show how fucked up i am in the head. someone could hurt me so deeply and yet i never wanna let go. but with summer approaching i have to let go of everyone and everything. im so scared and feel this constant dread hanging over me knowing that i will be seperated from those and things that mean the most to me. i dont know ive been in a good mood the last few days so im just waitng for the crash. like a sugar rush. grotto blocked me lol. but i dont even feel as though i care too much anymore. if thats their decsion then thats the thing i have to respect. im a little pissed over the fact that they treated me like a villian. i tried my hardest and loved so deeply and yet you act like you never even knew me. thats what upsets me the most. alas it is what it is and maybe in the long run it will be for the best. but im done. i dont have any fight left in me for someone who doesnt care if i live or die. i was just hoping that maybe id get a happy birthday but i guess not :/ well anyways ive been looking for some weed to take these left over shrooms with but im not gonna go to mandi since she was mean to me yesterday. she was all talking about doing something for my birthday and stuff and when i brought it up again she said we already celebrated (she bought me canes and that was it) its just a little upsetting and hurt my feelings. and i have like a roach i could smoke but ive been kinda anti-bud recently idk its just not worth all the hassle. but if i cant get an edible from paige then i will prob have to do that. Will kept telling me to put lemon on them? idk i cant remember. but hes been kinda sweet recently like he keeps helping me with my car since hes a car guy. so hes been running around to autozone and doing my oil and giving me advice and stuff. because my car has been weird. i just feel so tired. ive been having these crazy headaches recently. i get headaches 1-2 times a day and they take forever to go away. i hope nothing is wrong but i know if i look it up it will say i have a tumor or some shit. idk i guess ill just wait for the brain bleed. hm im trying to think of what else is important. im trying to focus more on myself and find comfort not in others but the things i enjoy. im trying to create a sleep routine to help myself since my sleeping is fucked. i think its Wills fault because whenever we have a sleepover hes all up cuddling me even in his sleep and it sucks i get so hot and cant get comfortable so it fucks up my sleep sceduale again. i ate pizza and feel bloated now. i hope i sleep ok. xoxo mwah .